Hetalia Sorting
by DeathbladeMeister
Summary: The sorting of the Hetalia characters, done mainly for humour.


**This was a request from Axelr8r. Blame him, not me. Unbeta'd. **

Normal= Thoughts_  
Italics= Hat_

* * *

**Sadiq Adnan- Turkey**

_Wow._

Eh?

_You have no redeeming qualities. You're just kind of an asshole._

Take it back and I'll take you to my harem.

_I'm a hat. I don't have a penis. SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Natalia Arlovskaya- Belarus**

_Oooh, a tough one._

What is so tough about me?

_Your obsession with Ivan shows pure loyalty, yet borders on psychosis. But to be honest daring, your obsession is nothing a good vibrator wouldn't fix._

I WILL BURN YOU, STUPID HA-

_SLYTHERIN! Ah, don't worry, I just wanted to see what you'd do if I said that._

* * *

**Ludwig Beilschmidt- Germany**

_ADMIT YOUR FEELINGS, YOU MOTHER FUCKING FLUFF TEASE!_

What?

_WE ALL KNOW IT, WE ALL SHIP IT! NOW GO MARRY ITALY, OR WHATEVER'S LEGAL IN YOUR COUNTRIES! HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Gilbert Beilschmidt- Prussia**

I AM ZE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

_Your accent makes you sound gay_.

NOT AWESOME! Hey, can you put me with America?

_No._

What? Why?

_I don't think your egos could fit in the same room._

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

** Lukas Bondevik- Norway**

_Oh wow, Norway! Land of gnomes! And trolls!*_

…

_Oh, forget it. RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Angelique Bonnefoy- Seychelles**

_SPARKLYPOO!_

What? That isn't even a house!

_It's the Sue house._

I have about two lines in the anime. And hardly any of the non- Japanese fans have played Gauken Hetalia.

_I know, but in this universe, we bend to the author's thoughts. And the author thinks you're a bitch._

* * *

**Francis Bonnefoy- France**

_Do you know your military is technically the most successful?*_

REALLY?

_Yes. The only wars you've ever lost are the revolutions._

Technically don't I win those either way?

_Exactly._

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Katyusha Braginskaya- Ukraine**

_I'm so glad I'm an immortal hat._

Why?

_Because your brother can't kill me when I say you've got great tits._

_HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Ivan Braginski- Russia**

Become one with Mother Russia, da?

_No. Go back to Russia._

But I am Russia, d-

_In Soviet Russia, Soviet Russia in YOU! _

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Antonio Fernandez Carriedo- Spain**

_HUFFLEPUFF!_

Don't you usually ask where I want to go? Or at least talk to me?

_Yes, but you're practically the living embodiment of… Puffliness._

* * *

**Kasem Chao- Thailand**

Please keep me away from China.

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Roderich Edelstein- Austria**

_The Science Show! PIANO! Whose idea was this?_

Excuse me?

_Don't Austrians have the internet?_

Yes...

_Then you should know what that is._

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Raivis Galante- Latvia**

_Jums ir vai nu pārāk veltīta latviešu vai ir tā, jūs varat izlasīt šo. Tagad mīzt off._

Excuse me?

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Gupta Muhammad Hassan- Egypt**

_You're not going to talk to me, are you?_

…

_Thought not._

_RAVENCLAW! _

* * *

**Elizabeta Hedervary- Hungary**

_Oooh, another tricky one. You're brave and rebellious, Gryffindor traits._

Ok…

_But you're in denial and secretive, Slytherin traits._

Ok…

_In your Hatafutte Parade you defend Austria, a Hufflepuff trait._

Ok…

_And you are odd and dedicated, Ravenclaw traits._

Ok…

_But overall, the author's a PruHun shipper so…_

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Kiku Honda- Japan**

_WHAT. THE. FUCK._

Excuse me?

_Why do you see __that*__ on acid?_

Well, he is rather attractive. Oh, please keep me away from China.

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Im Yong Soo- South Korea**

Hats originated in Korea!

_Umm... okay?_

Wow, I've never had anyone agree with me before!

_It's just that was random…_

It's okay! One day, everyone will see that everything came from Korea. Therefore everything is owned by Korea. So everyone is one with Korea.

_That's nuts, even for one of you lot._

I will claim everything! Even aniki… and his delectable breasts.

_So you're brash, unsubtle, have a desire to rule the world, and are completely insane._

Pretty much.

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Alfred F. Jones- USA**

_GRYFFINDOR!_

YES!

_Idiot._

* * *

**Heracles Karpusi- Greece**

…

_So… any requests?_

…

_Are you alright?_

…

_Are you even alive?_

…Cats.

_Oh for the love of... HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Arthur Kirkland- UK**

Hello, good chap. Could you sort me into Gryffindor, please?

_Why?_

Umm… it's kind of the best house. And I'm really brave! My country has the best history!

_Your country started when you were conquered by your worst enemy._

Yes, but…

_Then you went all emo for 500 years and refused to do anything interesting. _

Well, I had a good reason…

_Then you played bottom to a bunch of nutters for three royal dynasties._

Hey! Henry VIII was scary!

_Then you built a huge empire…_

See!

_Compensating for something, I'm sure…_

OI!

_Then you had to be bailed out of two wars by your former colony._

You're rather irritating, you know.

_And you're not even a world power anymore._

People still listen to my opinion!

_And to top all that, your weather's shit._

…I will burn you in your sleep.

_Do you have any redeeming qualities?_

I once murdered twelve men with a pork chop.

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Peter Kirkland- Sealand**

Put me with Jerkland and die.

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Mathias Kohler- Denmark**

_Purpose in anime: Non- Christmas related Nordic comic relief._

HEY! I resent that!

_It's true though._

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Toris Laurinaitis- Lithuania**

_So Poland left you at the mercy of Russia, and you still honour him in your Marukaite Chikyuu. _

Yep.

_I can't tell if you're loyal, brave or stupid._

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Bastian Linden- Netherlands**

_So you don't like spending money, don't talk a lot, and is protective of your little sister._

Hum.

_I'm surprised more people don't pair you with Switzy._

_HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Bella Linden- Belgium**

_Do we know anything about you?_

I enjoy playing with people's emotions, spending money and eating chocolate.

_So… you're a bitch._

Pretty much.

_GRYFFINDOR!_

* * *

**Feliks Lukasiewicz- Poland**

Ewwww, you are like, totally grody, why do we have to do this anyway?

_Hello, Poland._

OMGlikeWTF A TALKING HAT!

_I'm actually surprised more people don't do that._

_So, you talk like a Valley girl, are scared of Sweden, and handed over your best friend to your worst enemy and laughed. Sounds like you're more from Essex than Poland, but what the hell._

_SLYTHERIN!_

…_Aren't you going to take me off now?_

Huh? –Takes out headphones- did you like, say something, grody hat?

_Go to the green table._

What? Eeeew, no, green like, totally clashes with my complexion!

_I don't care._

I love it!

_Don't you dare fucking sing._

* * *

**Carlos Machado- Cuba**

America is an asshole.

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Berwald Oxenstierna- Sweden**

-Oh Berwald, spank me harder-

_ENOUGH!_

_RAVENCLAW!_

(The Sorting Hat does not like yaoi)

* * *

**Emil Steilsson- Iceland**

Hello, I'm Iceland.

_Hi. I'm a talking hat._

I'm a new character.

_Okay…_

I enjoy talking to puffing and my home is full of volcanoes that sound like Ricky Martin songs.*

_You should hook up with that Lovegood girl sometime. RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**An Tru Vuong- Vietnam**

America is an asshole. Please don't put me with China.

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Tino Vainamoinen- Finland**

FEED THE WORLD! LETS THEM KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, YEAH!

_Shit, that's loud. Don't you ever think about anything else?_

-Oh, Berwald, spank me harder-

_ENOUGH! NOT AGAIN!_

You asked.

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Feliciano Vargas- North Italy**

Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta

_Anything other than pasta?_

Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Doitsu Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta Pasta

_Umm… HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Lovino Vargas- South Italy**

Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato

_At least you're rather simple._

MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD HAT Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Bastard Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato Tomato

_SLYTHERIN!_

* * *

**Eduard von Bock- Estonia**

Hello.

_Hi. Wow, you're difficult, yet so easy to sort._

I know. Very little is known about me apart from I was once part of the Soviet Union and I am the least interesting Baltic. And mochis and computers.

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Kaoru Wang- Hong Kong**

…

_Please, not another one that doesn't think._

… Just keep me away from China and Britain.

_Why? They seem awfully fond of you…Oh._

Exactly.

_RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Yao Wang- China**

Ravenclaw, please, aru.

_No._

WHAT? I need to protect my siblings, aru!

_I've had a request to keep you away. From several people, actually. Well, apart from one…_

Please put me with them, then, aru.

_Are you sure?_

Why?

_No reason. GRYFFINDOR!_

STUPID FUCKING HAT, ARU!

ANIKI! YOUR BREASTS ARE MINE, DA ZE~!

* * *

**Matthew Williams- Canada**

_I feel sorry for you._

What?

_Having that idiot as a brother._

I know. He's quite irritating, really.

_Meh. Any preference?_

Not Gryffindor.

_Alfred?_

Alfred.

_Not Hufflepuff then… Slytherin maybe..._

No thanks. Arthur'll probably try to become an empire again if you put me there.

_He should see someone about his compensation issues._

Excuse me?

_Private joke. RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Mei-Mei Xiao- Taiwan**

Please don't put me with China.

_You're the fifth person to ask me that today, you know._

It's not surprising. He is 4000 years old.

_Aren't you all technically immortal and ageless?_

Four. Thousand. Years. Old.

_Good point. RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Basch Zwingili- Switzerland**

_Oh, so it's you!_

What is?

_Ask Japan what happens when he takes acid._

What the f-

_HUFFLEPUFF!_

* * *

**Lilli Zwingili- Lichtenstein**

Please don't put me with-

_Yeah, China. I know by now._

Actually, I was going to say Switzerland.

_Really?_

Yeah. I don't like the way he looks at me. It's kind of creepy.

_You should talk to the Asians. They probably have a great support network for people like you._

Thanks. I'll take you up on that.

_No problem. RAVENCLAW!_

* * *

**Yay! Done!**

**1- Lyric from the Book of Mormon.**

**2- This is actually true.**

**3- Reference to the Yo Ho Ho, Tra La La Scene.**

**4- An Icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajökull, sounds awesome when sung to the tune of Livin' La Vida Loca.**

**Bye from DBM. Peace out.**


End file.
